


Wake Me Up When It's All Over

by felixturner



Category: The Carrie Diaries
Genre: HIV/AIDS, M/M, Minor Character Death, period appropriate homophobic language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-04
Updated: 2014-05-04
Packaged: 2018-01-21 22:24:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1566206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felixturner/pseuds/felixturner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Walt thinks breaking up with Bennet was the best option for him but the distances teaches him otherwise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wake Me Up When It's All Over

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically a small character study on Walt, set during their breakup in season two.

Walt didn’t know a lot of things, still too young and too confused to have figured much out, but he did know that he had to do this. He’d always had a plan - a plan of a big wedding and a nice family and a white picket fence. He’d planned on normal. Bennet offered none of those things. And for a while he’d made Walt feel like maybe that was okay, that it was worth giving up normal for happy. It was worth giving up normal for being yourself.

But it wasn’t.

For Walt, being himself apparently meant huge parties with glitter and lights and people that he’d never understand and never wanted to. It meant being judged and made fun of and potentially beaten up. It meant a constant struggle to be accepted by society, by his parents, by his friends. It meant no marriage and no kids and no white picket fence. For Walt, being himself meant AIDS. It meant a short life full of struggle followed by a slow, painful end in an impersonal hospital room.

 

He’d thought for a while that Bennet could be his new future once he’d accepted that he was gay but now he realized that Bennet was the opposite of that. He couldn’t have a future with Bennet, not now that they’d come face to face with what their lives could possibly lead to. Withering away under fluorescent lights while Bible thumpers told you that you deserved it wasn’t a future.

 

So as Walt told Bennet that he loved him across a much too far distance caused by their table, he wasn’t lying. He’d never loved anyone or anything as much as he loved the man sitting across from him. And Walt could tell Bennet was scared and shaken up from seeing his ex, from narrowly escaping with a negative test result, from possibly being infected and in turn infecting Walt, and he wanted to reach out, to take Bennet’s hand in his and squeeze to let him know he was there. He wanted to embrace him and never let go because they’d been lucky. None of that was a possibility though, not if Walt wanted to hold onto his resolve. So yes he wasn’t lying when he told Bennet he loved him, but he also wasn’t lying when he said that it wasn’t enough.

 

Time moved surprisingly slow after that. He moved back into his parents’ house, admitting that it had all just been a phase and that he was over it. They hadn’t exactly accepted him with warm and open arms but they had at least accepted him and it relieved a tiny bit of the pressure that had settled into his chest weeks ago.

 

He did everything as normally as he could. He studied for classes, hung out with friends. He even watched sports with his dad a few times, though he was never exactly sure what sport they were watching or what the rules were. But he knew that this was what was expected of him. His dad would make comments about the cheerleaders and Walt would nod along. His parents never mentioned the small (or rather, really large) hiccup that had happened and Walt did his best to not bring it up.

 

In fact, the more the managed to not think about Bennet, the more that white picket fence seemed possible. He’d had girlfriends before, he’d had sex with them too. And sure, he knew that a lifetime of that wouldn’t make him the most fulfilled person on the planet, but it would be enough. It would be safe. You didn’t have to worry about being called a fag and being beat up in an alley when you were walking down the street with your wife and kids. You didn’t have to worry about life-threatening diseases when you weren’t sleeping with other boys. And he knew Bennet would be disappointed in the giant leap backwards he was taking, but what Bennet thought and felt didn’t matter. Just like Carrie’s not so subtle looks of concern and disapproval didn’t matter. This was Walt’s life and he’d live it how he wanted.

 

After a few months, he didn’t even have to try to pretend anymore. Instead, it had once again become second nature to be this person he wanted so desperately to be. Prom was coming up and he’d go with Maggie or Donna or maybe even Carrie and he’d be a normal straight teenager who could enjoy something that everyone else his age enjoyed without baggage tagged on.

 

That was until Donna decided to rent out a ballroom at the Waldorf-Astoria for the prom and Walt could feel the carefully constructed walls surrounding him slowly cracking. He hadn’t been back to the city since he’d broken up with Bennet and he wasn’t sure he could go back and face the memories that they’d created together. He didn’t want to be reminded of the life that he’d wanted so badly to fit for him at one point.

 

But when you had the group of friends that Walt had, you didn’t get to just back out of Senior Prom, no matter the circumstances.

 

Which is how Walt found himself standing in a tux in the place he’d always dreamed of having his wedding in while Bennet and the improbability of any wedding was at the forefront of his thoughts. He still tried to push those away, despite Carrie’s insistence on talking about him. Apparently “I really don’t want to hear about Bennet; he’s not my concern anymore,” wasn’t forward enough for Carrie, however, because she continued going on about how he’d been fired, how he’d been partying too much, and Walt’s chest ached at the thought of Bennet destroying his life but he quickly clamped down on his concern, tightening his jaw and focusing on anything else he could manage.

 

When Carrie tried to compare her college problems to his, however, he’d had enough. Deciding between a job and college wasn’t remotely the same as deciding between being himself and pretending to be something he wasn’t just so he could have a safe, normal life. He couldn’t stand there talking to her, listening to her, when everything felt like it was crashing down around him and there was no one around who even remotely understood. And he wasn’t sure how it had happened but he’d ended up outside of the hotel in the warm spring air of New York City, hanging up a payphone and waiting.

 

He paced slightly while he waited, telling himself that this was only to make sure that Bennet was okay. If he could just see that he wasn’t destroying himself with partying and…whatever else he was up to, then Walt could finally close this chapter of his life. He’d be able to turn right back around to finish his prom without ever giving Bennet Wilcox another thought.

 

He let out a shaky breath, turning lightly on his feet, trying to plan exactly what he was going to say to Bennet. First he’d make sure he looked healthy and then he’d tell him…well, he wasn’t sure what he’d tell him, but as soon as he turned on his feet again, none of it mattered. Because there was Bennet, looking just as beautiful and put together as Bennet always did and Walt wanted to give a sigh of relief, but his chest was restricting too tightly to allow it.

 

“I’m so happy you called,” Bennet started, every word dripping with genuineness and sadness and something that sounded a lot like hope.

 

And just like that, Walt could breathe again. You never realize that something is wrong or off until it’s righted. He hadn’t known he’d had trouble breathing until he could. He realized in an instant that he hadn’t felt like himself, or even close to himself, in months. Because he wasn’t himself when he wasn’t with Bennet. And sure, a future with Bennet was shaky at best, but now that Walt knew just how awful it felt to aim for something ‘better’, shaky seemed okay.

 

“I’m so happy you came,” Walt responds, the words coming out without much effort at all. And then they catch up. Not completely, but enough that Walt learns that Benent’s okay being away from Interview magazine, that instead he’s working for Gay Men’s Health Crisis after their scare, after watching his ex pass away in the hospital. Walt can tell that Bennet expects him to bolt at the reminder or the mention, but Walt doesn’t. Life is scary no matter which way you go, whether it’s the fear of never fully being yourself, never fully being happy, or it’s the fear of a disease or violence. And he realizes then, that if life’s going to be scary anyway, he’d rather be by Bennet’s side for it.

 

So he leans up, pressing his lips gently to Bennet’s, the touch like a breath of fresh air after nearly drowning, and he knows that he’s going to be okay - that they’re going to be okay. And the future that he thought hadn’t existed with Bennet, suddenly seems like brightest and most hopeful future he could wish for.


End file.
